Why boys feel in trouble – and how schools can rebuild trust

Across classrooms and corridors, the school staff we work with are noticing a familiar pattern. When teachers try to have conversations around misogyny, feminism, or gender-based violence, many boys either don't engage at all, or push back:

"Why aren't we being taught about toxic femininity?"

"So all men are bad?"

"I haven’t done anything wrong, so why am I being told off?"

Of course, we know the teachers attempting to start these discussions aren't trying to make the boys present feel like they’re in trouble, but when the topic itself feels charged, many boys interpret it that way. 

Years of hearing negative headlines about men and “toxic masculinity” can leave boys feeling under attack before a word is even said. So, instead of engaging, they put their guard up. What starts as a lesson about respect and equality can quickly turn into a battle for understanding, unless we first address the defensiveness sitting beneath the surface.

It’s important to remember that while the phrase “toxic masculinity” originated from a just place (intended to describe the harmful traits of traditional masculinity), many young men and boys can easily interpret it as suggesting that masculinity itself, or being a man, is inherently bad. 

In school settings, it’s also crucial to remember that, despite how mature young people might want to appear, they are still children. Their views and beliefs are shaped by the world around them, and they’re not yet equipped to always think critically or independently about complex social issues (as discussed by musician Jordan Stephens on Zack Polanski's recent YouTube video).

Understanding why this push back happens, and how to rebuild trust, is one of the most difficult challenges for schools wanting to address misogynistic cultures within their student bodies. It’s also a critical step toward meeting the expectations of the new RSHE guidance (2026) and Ofsted’s personal development framework, both of which ask schools to teach pupils to challenge prejudice, understand respect, and develop positive character traits.

Voicebox has worked with over 50,000 young people and 200 schools and organisations for over 6 years, helping teachers and pupils navigate exactly these conversations. What we've discovered is this: boys are not disengaged, but are instead held back by a fear of getting it wrong.

So how can schools create safer, more effective spaces for boys to explore these topics openly?

Why boys feel “in trouble”

Before schools can rebuild trust, it helps to understand what’s sitting beneath the defensiveness from their boys.

1. Boys feel blamed before they begin

From an early age, many boys receive mixed messages about what it means to be “good.” They’re told to respect women and to stand up for others, but also to be strong, tough and resilient.

When they hear the term “toxic masculinity” or discussions about “violence against women and girls,” many interpret these as accusations rather than invitations to reflect. It’s not that they're rejecting equality, it’s more that they fear being misunderstood or vilified.

While the following finding came from Equimundo's research with KS2, its relevancy speaks to older students too: "children [...] value fairness and cannot easily fathom the history of why there is so much of a focus on girls.” 

We cannot assume that every boy has the same awareness of gender equality that we would expect from a grown man. Therefore school staff and responsible adults should always be meeting boys where they're at, rather than being disappointed when they don't meet an unspoken expectation.

2. Online worlds shape boys' real world experiences

In the age of TikToks, podcasts, YouTube and Reddit, boys are bombarded with constant stimulation (a lot of which is formatted with a 'click-bait' agenda, designed to maintain maximum engagement from users).

Andrew Tate

An ever running feed on any social media platform means that boys are constantly vulnerable to being exposed to polarising narratives about gender. Figures like Andrew Tate who position themselves as defenders of “real men” often appeal to boys’ sense of injustice, convincing them that society is against them. Once the algorithm learns what sticks, it hammers down and keeps pushing forward similar content.

Without critical discussion in school which is directly addressing the topics and themes boys are engaging with online, those narratives can crystallise into belief systems, and therefore makes them much more difficult to challenge in the long run.

3. Schools often step in at crisis point

Many schools only tackle misogyny or gender-based harm after an incident. By then, pupils’ defences are already up. To be effective, these conversations must happen proactively, not reactively, and as part of ongoing RSHE and pastoral development, not as punishment.

4. Boys don’t see themselves positively in the conversation

Discussions about gender are often framed around what boys shouldn’t do. What’s missing is space to explore what they can do, and how respect, empathy, and equality benefit them too.

Reframing the narrative around the positive aspects of being a boy/man helps boys feel part of the solution rather than the source of the problem.

How does this link to Ofsted and RSHE 2026?

The government’s updated Relationships, Sex and Health Education (RSHE) guidance, coming into force in September 2026, requires schools to teach pupils how to recognise misogyny, challenge prejudice, and learn from positive male role models.

Meanwhile, Ofsted’s personal development criteria evaluates how well schools:

• Develop pupils’ character and capacity for reflection.

• Promote equality of opportunity and understanding of difference.

• Encourage pupils to become respectful, responsible citizens.

Creating space for genuinely honest and non-judgemental discussions with boys sits at the intersection of these two frameworks. By building this kind of trust with boys, schools are meeting statutory obligations while preventing harm and supporting pupil’s personal development.

Practical strategies for schools to rebuild trust

So how can schools move boys from feeling “in trouble” to feeling involved?

Below are evidence-based approaches Voicebox uses in workshops and training, designed to reduce defensiveness, increase engagement, and support long-term cultural change.

1. Reframe the language: “healthy” vs “toxic”

Terms like "toxic masculinity" may be academically accurate, but they can alienate the very audience you’re trying to reach. Language shapes tone, and tone determines trust.

In Voicebox workshops, we talk about masculinity in terms of either "healthy" or "unhealthy". Masculinity itself isn’t the enemy, it’s more about exploring which behaviours and expectations within masculinity help us grow, and which hold us back.

Teachers can use prompts like:

• “What does being a ‘good friend’ or ‘good man’ mean to you?”
  

• “Which traits do you think make someone a good person?”
  

• “Can you think of a time when being told to ‘man up’ felt unfair or unhelpful?”

These questions move pupils away from defensiveness and toward self-reflection.

2. Connect first, correct second

When a pupil makes a provocative or insensitive comment, the instinct is to challenge immediately. However, leading with correction can immediately close the door to a dialogue.

Instead, try connecting with the comment before correcting.

• Acknowledge the pupil's perspective (“I can see why you might feel that way”).
  

• Then offer curiosity (“Can we unpack where that idea comes from?”, “What’s the impact of that idea on you, or on other people?”).
  

This approach signals that you’re not here to “catch them out”, but to understand and explore things together. For a moment, it lets the pupil see you differently, not just as a teacher, which makes them more likely to keep talking.

Voicebox co-founder Andy Hill with a Year 9 student

3. Use curiosity instead of confrontation

In RSHE or PSHE discussions, similar to the previous point, try and turn statements into questions:

• Instead of “That’s a sexist comment”, try “What makes you say that?” or “How do you think someone else might hear that?”
  

• Instead of “That’s wrong”, try “Where do you think that idea comes from?”

Curiosity softens defensiveness, promotes self-awareness, and is an easy 'in' for a two-way conversation. It also models the kind of respectful dialogue you want pupils to emulate.

4. Create psychological safety

For boys to engage honestly, they need assurance that they won’t be ridiculed or punished for saying the “wrong” thing.

At the start of discussions:

• Establish ground rules: everyone can speak, everyone listens, no judgment.
  

• Reinforce that learning involves mistakes - sometimes we need to say or do the wrong thing in order to grow!
  

• Perhaps offer anonymous feedback options, like question boxes or digital polls, for those afraid to speak publicly/openly.

6. Model healthy masculinity in your staff bodies

Boys learn as much from what they see as from what they hear. Teachers and staff who model self-reflection, calm disagreement and empathy teach more about respect than any slideshow ever could.

Encouraging male staff to share positive examples of healthy masculinity (like times they’ve asked for help, apologised, or stood up for fairness) demonstrates to students that masculinity and vulnerability can coexist.

Voicebox’s staff training programme is designed to help teachers, youth workers, and pastoral staff develop these facilitation skills confidently. Participants gain tools for responding to harmful comments, understanding the social pressures boys face, and guiding them toward healthier expressions of masculinity.

This not only strengthens RSHE delivery but directly supports Ofsted’s emphasis on staff contributing to pupils’ personal development.

7. Make it a whole-school approach

Rebuilding trust can’t fall solely on PSHE leads or a single workshop. It needs to be woven into the wider school culture.

Schools can:

• Include respect, empathy, and positive masculinity themes in school values and mission statements.
  

• Ensure sanctions around sexist language or harassment are educational and not just punitive.
  

• Celebrate positive role models - male, female and other gender identities - who embody healthy and inspiring elements of gender expression.

Your school's payoff for doing this work

When Ofsted visits, the above work will help your school as an inclusive and supportive organisation shine through. Inspectors consistently praise schools that can evidence a proactive approach to gender, respect, and personal development.

Preparing for the RSHE 2026 guidance is not just a compliance task for your school staff but also an opportunity to reshape how boys and girls understand each other and themselves, and ultimately contribute to a more positive school culture that works for everyone.

How Voicebox can help

Voicebox delivers age-appropriate workshops and staff training for primary, secondary, and post-16 settings. Our sessions give young people the language and confidence to explore masculinity, respect, and equality, all while helping schools meet RSHE and Ofsted standards.

Every workshop and training session is interactive, evidence-informed, and designed to have lasting impact beyond the end of the session.

Learn more about our workshops and staff training programmes at www.voiceboxcic.com/our-offer.

Voicebox facilitator Will Hudson with Year 9 students

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