Masculinity and performance: What helps boys put down the mask?

You’ll probably recognise the scenario: A boy who is calm, thoughtful and perfectly reasonable one-to-one suddenly becomes loud, dismissive or confrontational the moment his friends are around. The student who apologises sincerely after the lesson is the same one who was performing toughness five minutes earlier in front of the class. The young person who clearly knows the line between right and wrong, yet crosses it anyway...when there's an audience.

For teachers, parents and anyone working with boys, this can feel confusing. We often ask:

"Why would he behave like that if he knows better?"

But perhaps a more useful question is:

Why is he performing? And who is the performance for?

When we start to understand masculinity, or certain ideas of masculinity, as something many boys feel they must constantly perform, behaviour begins to make a different kind of sense.

The pressure to perform masculinity

Humans are biologically wired to fit in. From an evolutionary perspective, belonging to the group meant survival. Rejection from the tribe carried real consequences. While the stakes may look different today, the emotional wiring is remarkably similar.

For boys growing up today, alongside family expectations and school rules, many boys also absorb an unspoken “rule book” about how to be a boy from their peers and those around them.

This peer rule book can include messages like:

• Don’t look weak

• Don’t be embarrassed

• Don’t show too much emotion

• Be funny (sometimes in harmful ways) 

• Be confident

• Get status

• Don’t get socially exposed

• Always have a comeback

Genuine responses to what boys in our Voicebox workshops think is in the "rule book" have included:

• "be nonchalant"

• "be the main character"

• "getting in fights"

• "not being geeky in class" (“neeky”)

• "be in a sports team"

• "don't be a snake"

• "impress the girls"

• "don't be you"

When we speak to boys and ask them what happens if you break the rules, they explain that there are consequences: getting called names, excluded, bullied, even physical violence... you can feel isolated and alone. 

Whereas fitting in comes with huge benefits - you feel part of the group, like you belong, safe. 

This means the stakes are high and the pressure to perform is strong.

Peer group rewards vs adult expectations

The problem is that this rule book often clashes with the expectations of adults. At school, boys might be told to be calm, respect others, respect teachers. At home, they may be encouraged to be kind and honest. They may also have other expectations placed on them because of their gender. Among peers, completely different behaviours may be rewarded.

This is why behaviour is rarely simply about boys not knowing what’s right or wrong. Most boys do understand adult expectations. More often, the issue is that fitting in can matter more than getting it right.

Avoiding social consequences can feel bigger than avoiding adult consequences.

Behaviour as social performance

One of the most important shifts adults can make is recognising that behaviour is not simply about knowing right from wrong. Most boys do understand school expectations, social rules and basic values around respect. The issue is that, in the moment, fitting in can feel more important than getting it right.

This is where the idea of behaviour as “performance” becomes useful.

All of us change aspects of our behaviour depending on who we’re with: colleagues, friends, family, strangers. Young people are no different. For boys especially, behaviour is often tied up with social status, belonging and avoiding embarrassment in front of peers. And importantly, not all boys occupy the same social position. Behaviour that gains one boy approval may leave another isolated or rejected.

So when a boy makes a sexist joke, acts aggressively or refuses to back down publicly, the behaviour may not come from deep conviction. Often, it is driven by social dynamics such as wanting to:

• get laughs

• gain approval

• avoid looking weak

• maintain status

• appear confident

• fit in

Take vaping as an example. Most young people are fully aware of the health risks and know adults don’t want them doing it. But knowledge alone often doesn’t change behaviour, because the behaviour may not really be about nicotine in the first place. It may be about belonging, image, confidence or fitting into a social group. If the real driver is social approval, then a response focused only on rules, consequences or health messages can miss the underlying need completely.

The same applies to misogynistic behaviours adults worry about in schools.

This doesn’t excuse harmful behaviour, and it doesn’t mean boundaries become less important. But understanding why behaviour is happening helps us respond more effectively to it.

In busy school environments, where staff are under pressure and managing huge numbers of students, it’s understandable that behaviour is often approached primarily through rules, sanctions and control. But if we focus only on the behaviour itself without understanding the social dynamics underneath it, we can end up addressing the surface issue while missing the thing actually driving it.

That’s why it's so important to understand the “performance” element here. If we want behaviour to change long-term, we need to understand not just what boys are doing, but what social purpose the behaviour is serving for them in that moment.

Of course, behaviour is complex and driven by multiple factors. Not all behaviour is performative, and not all boys experience peer dynamics in the same way. But understanding the social function of behaviour is often a missing piece adults overlook.

Why boys can seem like different people

Teachers we talk to through our work at Voicebox often describe a familiar experience: A boy behaves disruptively in front of peers but becomes reflective, polite and even remorseful in private.

This inconsistency can feel manipulative. But often it reflects something much more human: the tension between identity, who that boy really is, and wanting to belong.

In private, the audience disappears. Without peers watching, boys often no longer need to protect status, maintain an image or perform toughness. The 'mask' of their version of masculinity slips. This is why public confrontations can sometimes make behaviour worse.

If a boy feels socially exposed in front of peers, he may double down rather than back down. Think about all the times you've felt embarrassed and responded with anger and defensiveness rather than grace. 

The goal then becomes saving face, not making good decisions or doing the 'right' thing. Understanding this dynamic changes how we intervene.

Masculinity in online spaces

Today’s boys are also navigating pressures previous generations never faced. Online culture has intensified this idea of 'performance' and looking and seeming your best.

Social media rewards confidence, dominance and aesthetics. Algorithms amplify outrage, humiliation and extremes. Influencers can present highly simplified versions of masculinity built around power, status, emotional restriction and control.

For insecure boys searching for identity and belonging, these messages can feel compelling. And if the algorithm learns this, it will rapidly cram more and more similar content on their feeds, fuelling their online safety blanket.

At the same time, many boys still receive very little real life support in developing emotional literacy. They may have a wide emotional experience internally, but a very narrow emotional vocabulary externally. Therefore anger can become much easier to express than embarrassment, and mockery feels safer than vulnerability.

Performance becomes safer than being themselves.

This is why simply telling boys to “open up” might not have much punch. Vulnerability without safety can feel socially dangerous. Before boys put down the mask, they need environments where they believe they will not be ridiculed, told off, or judged for doing so. We need both individuals who are able to open up, but also environments that do not shut this down when it happens. 

What helps boys put down the mask?

If behaviour is partly performance, then how do we stop fuelling the performance?

In Voicebox's Staff Training, we focus on interrupting behaviour calmly without turning it into a public spectacle. That means:

• removing the audience where possible

• avoiding power struggles

• maintaining calm authority

• following systems consistently

In practice, this can sound like:

“We don’t make comments like that here.”

Or:

“That’s not acceptable. We’ll speak after.”

Then, after the moment, moving on... No lectures. No debates. No public humiliation. No emotional escalation.

We can then also follow up afterwards for a reflective, guided conversation about the impacts on themselves and others of the behaviour or moment. 

We say to strike while the iron is cold; reflection is more likely not in the heat of the moment.

This approach does not mean lowering expectations. Quite the opposite. It means recognising that shame and confrontation can intensify performance, while calm boundaries can reduce the audience value of the behaviour. 

Beyond the moment itself, it can also help to rehearse difficult situations with boys beforehand. Moving from “just be kind” towards “what could you realistically do or say in that moment?” helps boys prepare for the real social pressures they might be facing.

The support can take the shape of:

"How can we work together to help you do a little bit better next time this situation comes up?"

Influence matters more than instruction

It's easy to assume influence for young people comes mainly through authority. But boys are often more influenced by adults they trust than adults they simply obey.

Clear expectations and boundaries are essential, of course, but telling boys how to behave is rarely enough on its own. Influence grows through relationships. Boys are often more open to reflection when they feel they still have some dignity, agency and choice within the conversation.

We've found that "earned" authority rather than expected authority tends to land best with boys. There is a difference between expecting students to respect you as a teacher versus earning their trust through credibility, fairness, boundaries and authenticity. For some boys and students who may have been let down by authorities or authoritative figures in their life, earned authority can prove particularly more effective than expected authority.

Think about an adult who genuinely influenced you when you were young. Someone who made you want to try harder. What did they actually do? Usually, the answer isn't that they gave brilliant lectures, it's more often things like: they noticed me, believed in me, treated me fairly, challenged me without humiliating me and didn't give up on me.

When boys feel known beyond their behaviour and are seen as an individual, they are far more open to guidance and correction. Authority rooted in trust and credibility tends to have far more impact than authority based purely on role or power. And for some boys, especially those who expect rejection or criticism from adults, care that is consistent matters enormously. 

They may test relationships repeatedly, but the adults who maintain connection even after challenges are often the ones who have the greatest long-term influence.

Moving away from "the problem with boys"

Masculinity, whether rightly or wrongly, is constantly being debated and discussed in the mainstream now. Some people dismiss concerns about boys altogether, arguing that discussions about masculinity are unnecessary or overblown. Others frame boys themselves as the problem. Neither approach quite hits the mark. 

Most boys are navigating enormous social pressures while still developing emotionally, neurologically and socially. Many are trying to balance competing expectations from the multiple rulebooks in their lives: from peers, family, school and online spaces.

The goal is not to shame boys for performing masculinity. The goal is to expand what masculinity can look like...

Can boys be funny without putting others down?

Can they be confident without dominating?

Can they be emotionally expressive without being scared of social rejection?

Can they belong without wearing a mask?

Underneath the bravado, the "nonchalance", the jokes or the disruption is a young person asking a deeply human question:

“What do I need to do to belong here?”

In a recent workshop, when we asked boys the question: “If we could be intentional about what it meant to be a man or a boy in the future, what would we want for men and boys?”. One student simply wrote the phrase: “To be loved”. Boys are craving belonging. 

When boys no longer feel that belonging depends on wearing a harmful, restrictive mask, many of the performances teachers, parents and anyone working with boys struggle with will begin to lose their purpose.

Find out more about Voicebox's Staff Training